i’m like 97% sure i’d be the best girlfriend ever but no one will ever know
I’m feeling like a major rebound right now and it’s pissing me off how I could’ve been so dumb. my life seriously sucks. i want to tell this kid how I feel but would that jeopardize what we have. I don’t know if I like what we have these past 2 days. do we even have anything? i don’t think so.
i’m such an idiot and i’m feeling super ugly right now.
There are so many things on my mind right now that I just don’t even know where to start. let me maybe start by making a list and then i’ll go into detail.
#1) my parents
#2) my sister and Nick
#3) work/school
#4) N & M
#5) my body is falling apart
Ok, MY PARENTS woke me up this morning super early. I was up til 5. I got up and my mom needed me to take her somewhere because she let Nick and Tay take her car to Islands Of Adventure. she didn’t even ask me though. not that I was doing anything, but it would’ve been nice to have been asked if I could drive her. so I took a shower and while I was getting ready in the bathroom (because Tay took the mirror back into her room) I overheard my mom and dad talking about me. they weren’t even being that sneaky. it’s like they want me to hear what they have to say about me. they knew I was just right upstairs..they were talking about how i drink and they’re secretly convinced that I do drugs. They were talking about how I’m 22 and they don’t believe that I’m going to do what it takes to make something out of my life. My dad was talking about how I probably didn’t even have the money I owed him (which I did. it was in my purse in an envelope) They think I’m this horrible failure at life and that I do bad things. Do you know how hurtful it is to overhear your parents say things like that about you? They could’ve at least taken a walk and talked about it because they knew I was right upstairs. I will NEVER please them and I will NEVER be as good as Tay is to them. I know that, but can’t they cut me a little slack? i quit trying to please them a long time ago. Their opinion on many things in life differ from mine and it’s not even that mine are ungodly opinions, they just aren’t as strict as my parents’. They don’t even know me anymore. They think they do, but they are SO wrong. They don’t even see the good i do and how hard I’m trying. They just focus on the negative in my life, the negative parts of my present and they still haven’t let go of the negative of my past. I just want to feel like I’m loved and I don’t even care if they act like they love Tay more..I just don’t want them to think of me as such a horrible person. I don’t let you in because you criticize every move i make and every breath I take. I’m done. You assume so much!
The next thing I want to talk about is TAY AND NICK. I already briefly talked about them yesterday. I’m just so sick of them and their lovey-dovey crap. If you like him so much Tay just freaking date him already and quit leading other boys on. Caleb likes you so much! I can tell that and I’ve only met him three times! Poor guy.
WORK/SCHOOL is and has been on my mind since I started PBA. It’s such an expensive school. I have NO idea how I’m going to be able to pay for it. I’m probably going to have to just come home and go to a community college and work. I’d really not prefer that. I have so much more to say about it, but I want to get to what’s really been bugging me all day.
N & M. I’m freaking crazy about this kid. He is SO not ready for a relationship, and i feel like he’s leading me on. the worst part is, is that I’m letting him. I’m making a total fool out of myself..all for what? someone I met once and may or maynot have kissed. like…i don’t even know what I’m doing here. I’m coming onto him so strong. I’ve never been like this before. Why are the guys that I like first unavailable? emotionally unavailable or even physically unavailable. he lives in jersey for goodness sake. what is wrong with me? How would I even tell M? I don’t think he would care that much, but i wouldn’t want to hurt him because that’s something we talked about not too long ago. he was scared that I would find somebody that I would fall for and he would lose me. I still have feelings for him, but I don’t know why my feelings for N are so intense and how my feelings for M have faded so quickly. I was head over heels crazy for him. he treated me well, like he was a great caretaker and that’s what I needed, but I want more romance. More experiences. N and I see almost eye to eye on almost everything. It’s actually quite strange. I think I need to back off N a little though because he obviously isn’t ready, even though he may say i’m not coming on too strong. I have NO idea why I’m even this freaking attracted to him. We’re not even the same type. It’s weird. for some reason I just feel super connected to him and he’s actually the first guy besides M that I’ve actually been interested in in over a year.
Back off Chelsea. Back off.
MY BODY IS FALLING APART. my leg is still killing me. my face is hideous. i cried like 5 times today. oh how i love my life.
I just need to go to sleep. I’ve been a grinch all day. GOODNIGHT! ZZZzzz..
if someone sang this to me..i’d be smitten.
of course he’s here. he’s always here. he just pisses me the crap off.
oh you like to send nudies of yourself to some girl and then I find out and you beg me not to tell my sister. you’re such a tool. of course my parents could care less that you’re here. they’re in love with you. they let you sleep here and probably do whatever you do with my sister. in the room next to theirs of course. if I had someone over they would rent out a room for the guy off base so that there was no way for him to get to me. they’d probably even take my phone for the night.
when i found that box of condoms on your seat even though they saw it with their own eyes, they probably thought i was making it all up. oh and they just let you get away with your story and take my baby sister out to wherever the hell you guys went. I’m just super pissed off.
i have serious issues. i have so much more to say, but i should go to bed before i say something that can’t be taken back.
:)
I had the weirdest dream last night. Me, Aaron, Doug, Joseph, Max and some other people were hanging out in a weird bar/club. Keven was there too. I have no idea what this dream was..but then this girl who I won’t name came up (she has a bf in real life so I have no idea why she was here) but she started flirting with Max and he started flirting back..eventually I got up from the table because I couldn’t stand to watch it anymore. I went to call my friend(who I won’t name either) and talk to him. He didn’t answer so I made my way back to the booth we were at. I see the girl and Max making out, but he’s staring at me like he wants me to watch. Like he’s trying to torture me. What the heck was going on? Then Aaron came around to make me feel better and dragged me out onto the dance floor. Even though I don’t dance. I somehow stole the girl’s glasses off the table and when everyone went outside to leave I broke her glasses. I also remember talking to Aaron about his red Ford Ranger and making it kind of a big deal how much I liked it better than Max’s white Ranger. hahaa. Max got mad then the girl’s bf showed up and she went home with him and Max went home by himself. It was so weird. I’m not even jealous of people he’s with now because we’re not together..like I have no reason to even be thinking about that kind of stuff and I don’t think that him and that girl would ever hook up in real life. like she’s not even into him that I know of. what do I even care?
My leg was also killing me last night. It hasn’t bothered me for a whole week until last night night. I spent 5 hours in the ER last night. They ruled out blood clot and told me that it was just a muscle tear. I have no idea how it even happened. That’s so strange to me. Oh well, things happen I guess.
When we got home it was like 11PM my dad got really mad at my mom for not picking up milk for him for the morning and he was really rude about it. I don’t think he had realized that we were sitting in a hospital for 5 straight hours and I don’t know why he didn’t just pick it up himself. I mean I know he’s busy but my mom told him what we were doing and how important it was..the dr told me I could die if it was a clot for goodness sake. What was he even doing for those 5 hours that he couldn’t run to the commissary or shoppette and get a gallon of milk? He was at the gym and could’ve just stopped on the way home. He bothers me sometimes.
I’m super nervous to get out of bed and try to stand and walk. If my leg is throbbing this bad while I’m laying down I DON’T want to feel it when I stand up. I need a shower though. Here goes nothing I guess.
I have a weird feeling.
How many times can you meet someone who has more in common with you than you have with yourself? Someone who you find unbelievably attractive? Someone who comes from a Christian background and seems to be someone your parents would approve of? (they’ve never approved of anyone except T.H., but that doesn’t count because it was at WOL)
I think I’m finally ready to move on from M. After a little over a year you’d think I would already be over him. I have no idea why I’m not. I have no idea why we thought it would work out from the beginning anyways. We were pretty much forced to move in together (I for sure was NOT going to stay at my house with everything that was going on with my mom while my dad was overseas. I’m just glad that’s all over) We have almost nothing in common..he was a huge influence in my life and a lot of the decisions I have made now. The carefree, don’t-worry attitude I definitely got from him. It seemed like such a better way of life and believe me-it is. I mean I care about the important things and things that need to be done, but I don’t over analyze every little thing anymore. He never gave me a reason to be jealous, so I was super lucky to have that. I think that if he had, I’d be a totally different person. Another thing is that he wasn’t too overly jealous. I could talk to his friends and my friends that were guys and he wouldn’t even be upset or anything. Not that I ever gave him a reason to be jealous either. I think that’s why it was such a good relationship. I may have a few more guy friends than I want, but I’m not the type of girl to ever even think about doing anything when I’m in a committed relationship. If we’re together..we’re together. I don’t mess with that. I’ve never cheated on anyone before. I kinda pride myself in that. That’s hard to find.
We made a pact to get married when we turn 28. I HIGHLY doubt that’s going to happen. He’s the one who came to me about my family’s overbearing-ness. He’s the one who couldn’t handle it. I gave up everything I’d ever known for him. That’s something I will NEVER do again. I’m sorry, but those were the worst two years of my life for my family and I. I don’t think that when we turn 28 that anything is going to have changed. I think that what went down between everyone and us has been forgiven, but will NEVER be forgotten. I hurt way too many people. I caused more drama between even my extended-extended family. Alex and Uncle Bob got into it that one time arguing over M and I. I don’t want that ever again.
When I met M I was in the beginning of getting over T. At WOL you can spend every waking hour almost with the person you’re “talking” to. It gives you false hope that you’ll be together forever. I don’t know why I fell for it..I moved to Florida after graduation. T and I were still “talking”, he said he had wanted to wait til my dad got back from Iraq to ask him if he could date me. He was there the night I got the news that my dad was being deployed. We didn’t last very long..maybe 8 months..ok, so maybe a little longer. Then at the end of October I started classes in Daytona. That’s where I met M. I decided that I was just going to let go..forget the relationship stuff. We started skipping class to back to his apt. it was so much fun. Everything was going just fine. Then December rolled around, he asked me if I wanted to be his gf. I knew in the VERY back of my head that it wouldn’t work, but I said sure! That’s when things started going downhill for my family.
My mom started seeing a change in me I guess so January is when she suggested I go to NY and visit WOL with Kara. So she flew me up to MI and we started driving to NY. Then we got in that horrible car accident. We were just into PA and the roads were super slippery. There was snow and ice everywhere. It was like 4AM, I had just woken up from a nap in the back and put my seat belt back on. Kara and Josh were still awake in the front just chatting away. Somehow the car started doing 360’s, then we started rolling. It was slow motion, just like in the movies. I will NEVER forget the feelings and the sounds. Everything was perfectly how you would see in the movies. There were cheezits everywhere. We rolled into the median almost all the way across to the other side of the road where oncoming traffic was coming from. Some lady driving behind us was watching the whole thing as it happened and called 911. She stayed parked a little ways off until the cops came. The damage to the car was surprisingly not extreme. The top of the car was all dented in, both of the side mirrors were gone and all four tires were popped. Kara and Josh were fine. My thumb was jammed and I had a decent size scratch on my face. Nothing too bad though. When the cops finally got there they told us that they usually bring 5 gallon buckets to pick up body pieces off the road to the location of our crash. Lucky for us there was a fresh sheet of snow that had just fallen. Otherwise we would’ve been just scattered body pieces. While in NY I decided that I was going to move in with M. When I got home, I went to church with my whole family. Lied about having to use the bathroom, he picked me up. We went to the house to get my stuff. It was not one of my brightest moments. I can’t believe he went along with my plan..if I were him I would’ve been too scared.
I don’t know think I actually got over T full until after we moved in together. I knew I was crazy about M, but T broke my heart and I didn’t want to let him go. My life was a million times better after I did. I could fully have M and not have to lie to him anymore. I shouldn’t have done that, but it’s life. You live and you learn from your mistakes.
Now I’m kind of in a predicament. I feel like I’m kind of the M in this situation, but I don’t know how to feel about it. Just because I was lucky enough to have my story work out doesn’t mean that this one will too. I’m not talking like moving in with anyone, just feelings-wise. I don’t even know this person but the more I get to know him, the more I like. Life hates me big time.
Last time I posted I said I was going to post more often. I honestly haven’t had any time to post anything. But seriously SO much has happened..
I moved from Ponce Inlet to my parent’s house in Tampa right before Thanksgiving. I fell in love with one of her babies that she watches in her daycare. I’m definitely not one who loves kids or babies, but Eva is me as a baby. Her dad is overseas and has missed all of her firsts. I was there for her first crawl and now she’s walking. She’ll start teething soon. He’ll be home in a few weeks and I can’t wait for him to actually get to meet and know her. She’s the sweetest.
I went off to PBA in January right after New Years. Everything is such a blur from then. I had less than a week from when I had gotten accepted from when I actually had to leave. I had NO school stuff. Somehow I made due with what I had because I had money to buy new things anyways. I also had NO idea what I was getting myself into. Last semester was the hardest semester of my entire life. I think I cried more than I ever had in my entire life. I jumped in head first, I was so set on leaving everything and everyone behind. Turns out my loans weren’t going to cover barely anything and I had no money. I had to ask Nonnie for the money that she had set aside in my college fund. I had to swallow my pride and after everything I had done to her..ask. Even though they had put aside that money for me, I DID NOT deserve it. I think she saw how determined I was to change and to get out of the cycle I was in that she prayed about it and gave it to me. I honestly could not have done it without that. The fire that happened in my dorm was a godsend as well. At first I didn’t see it like that. It had me second guessing if I was supposed to be there. It was so stressful. I’d never really had a legitimate panic attack before that situation. I realize now that if it hadn’t happened that I would have definitely had to leave school in the middle of the semester. I ended up failing two classes, but I passed two. I mean what did I expect after being out of school for 3 years. I’m lucky to have passed with the grades I did. I lived in the library almost all semester. I made a few really good friends and had a bunch of great times. Even though we have our moments, I’m extremely thankful for them.The whole last two weeks of school I didn’t even wear any makeup because I was crying so much..(plus I ran out of mascara and couldn’t afford to buy a new tube). I’m so proud of myself for doing it and actually making it through. The whole semester since the very first day through the very last day just helped me to realize how much I need to trust God and He’ll provide for me. Sometimes I didn’t even make my payments until the day it was due because I didn’t have the money until hours before midnight. It was all God. I sold my iPad and I got a job at Chickfila. I believe that I’m supposed to be at PBA and that’s why I’m putting my whole heart and doing my best.
Oh great, I’m crying.
Since I’m already crying why don’t I talk about how Grandpop past away the beginning of finals week. We knew he was dying. My dad told me to to write him a letter, but I was being selfish and stressing too much about school that I didn’t write him one. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that because I didn’t even get to say goodbye or that I loved him. :( What’s wrong with me? I got the news early Friday morning the day of Em’s birthday. I cried a little, but then just carried on with my life. I went to my last bio class..blah blah. Then that afternoon I headed down to Ft. Lauderdale to see Alex and Em. I hadn’t seen them since last summer. I was so happy when I heard the Alex was flying in from Seattle. He told me that I HAD to be there because he didn’t want it to be the only guy and a bunch of little lesbians. He’s hilarious. That weekend was so much fun. I didn’t even talk about Grandpop. No one even knew. It was Em’s big day and I didn’t want to make it about me. We stayed in a hotel with a GORGEOUS view and had the best time!
The next weekend I brought all of mine and Chloe’s stuff to Tampa and her dad picked her up. Then I left straight for Jersey. I was nervous about going to Jersey because I hadn’t seen Bek in like 4 years. How sad is that? We used to see each other at least every 6 months. We had the best time! I met so many new people who are great! We had some adventures that I’d better not mention on here in case..well just in case. :) so much fun.
I’m now back at home. My leg thing is back. I don’t know what it is. My mom thinks it might could be a blood clot from my birth control (thank God for that though)..but I think it’s just a muscle spasm like last time. At least last time I had someone to massage it for me, now it’s all up to me. Ugh. I’m supposed to be looking for jobs and whatnot. I don’t want to, but I feel that old laziness creeping back up on me. I can’t afford that though. Literally.
After this song is over I’m going to get off my butt and do what needs to be done. Lego House by Ed Sheeran. <3 love it. I’ll really try to post more though. I always say that, but I’ll try my best.
my friend is the drummer! great song! :)
